problematic
by a beautiful catastrophe
Summary: It's like a stab to the knee. A stab to the thigh. Then one to the stomach. And now a stab to both of my lungs. I can't breathe. Then finally one stab to the heart and everything shatters and backfires. I can't do this anymore. Written for ephemereis's I Hate You challenge at the HPFC forum.


**Written for ephemereis's 'I Hate You' competition.**

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**I'm losing myself  
Trying to compete  
With everyone else  
Instead of just being me  
Don't know where to turn  
I've been stuck in this routine  
I need to change my ways  
Instead of always being weak**

- **Demi Lovato, Believe In Me**

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When Marlene McKinnon was in her second year at Hogwarts, like every other girl there, she wanted more than anything to be popular. To be liked. To have a boyfriend.

Every day when she woke in her bed, she dreaded the days to come. Outside, she was friendly, bubbly and unaware of the war raging outside the castle door. Inside, she was deteriorating slowly and she knew it.

Her roommates didn't suspect a thing. They didn't know she was fragile or that she took things to heart. Her roommates, _especially Lily Evans_, were unaware of how they were making her feel. They made her feel insecure, like her flaws were massive.

"Ugh, honestly, Marlene? You chose that dress? How much was it? Five dollars? I mean, seriously. Were you born and raised in a barn?" Alice threw her head back in laughter, _**stab to the foot.**_

"What the hell did you do to your hair? It looks like you survived a hurricane and got hit by a tsunami, right, girls?" Emmeline's friends agreed like there was no tomorrow, _**stab to the knee**_.

"Marlene, what the bloody heck is that pile of shit on your plate?" Hestia glanced at her plate distastefully, "honestly, that's disgusting. Are you- Marlene, did you just eat that? God, you eat like a pig. Ever heard of the word manners?" Hestia looked away, _**stab to the thigh.**_

_Her outer layer of sweet butter frosting covering was rotting away._

Even the marauders were onto her.

"McKinnon," James shook his head, "you're playing quidditch as if it's dirt. You're off the team." Her ex-fellow quidditch team members started to snicker, _**stab to the stomach.**_

"You're going to fail Potions, Marlene." Remus sighed, "I really can't help you at this point – no offense, but your potions are so horrible I can't continue to tutor you." He could only look down at her pityingly, _**stab to the right lung.**_

Ever since Marlene had been kicked off the team, she had started to steadily gain weight. She wasn't fat, however she wasn't skinny. Everyone could see that. Even little Peter Pettigrew.

"Have you ever thought of going on a diet, McKinnon?" Peter remarked. James roared with laughter, _**stab to the left lung.**_

_She was barely breathing now, holding on to what she had left. _

When Lily Evans thought Marlene McKinnon was sleeping, Lily Evans whispered straight into her ear, _"You're fat. You will never ever fit in with us."_

_**stab to the heart.**_

_She snapped. _

The next day straight to Lily's face, straight to who she had thought her closest friend was, she said, "I hate you, Lily Evans. You think you're so much better than everyone else. But you know what I think? I think you deserve to be rolled in the mud. I don't know why Potter wastes his time going after you anyway."

She gasped – quite convincingly.

"Marlene," she said, her lip quivering, feigning innocence, "why would you say that?"

"Because you're a backstabber." Her words rang loud and clear.

Even though she had dropped Lily as a friend, she still took the words to heart. She stopped trying to diet – instead she binged on food, the purged it out. She felt like she wasn't good enough for the world, if that she repeated this cycle no one would tease her. That no one would care, no one would bother acknowledging her existence.

She repeated the binge then purge cycle continuously.

No one ever found out, no one ever would - _no one cared, just as she wished. She was just your supposed average twelve year old at the back of the crowd. _

Life went on.

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**This is dedicated to girls who doubt their potential, girls that don't believe that they are good enough, to anyone and everyone that has a problem that they aren't ready to share. This was inspired by anorexic and bulimic girls that don't believe in themselves - in this fic Marlene was one of those girls. I hope everyone who reads this fic will change how they see unnaturally skinny people, instead of envying them wondering why they are that way. **

**please review and tell me what you think.**

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